This is a work of fiction. The piece is written in first person because narrating a story that way is just way cooler.
So I was in bed and could not sleep. It was one of those annoying nights where no matter what I did - my body refused to turn off. Cough syrup, fictitious sheep, boring non-fiction books, slow soothing music and even self gratification did not help.
That's when I gave up and immense boredom descended. I pinged my friends across different time zones, watched half a movie on my laptop and even thought of a future blog post (which of course never really saw the light of day). But what bothered me the most was how desperate I was to kill my boredom and and how uncomfortable I was with myself.
I wasn't quite surprised when over the following days I felt a strange insecurity if I did not check my phone regularly, especially if there was no one around to talk to. In these bits or chunks of time, I would either crave for music or someone to talk to or something to read or something to tweet. But never would I crave for quiet time - a time when I would do nothing.
And like every thinking person, I have a theory for that. Given that this is a theory I will switch from I to We. We have been taught to value time, appreciate it and to make most of it. Each second counts. And in developing countries like ours, it is very very important; because if you don't do a lot in very little time, someone else will win the race and you will get a big zero.
So that's why I craved for stuff in my free time. I decided to chalk out some quiet time for myself and see what I had to offer myself. The first sixty seconds were pure bliss - the mind was calm and I felt like a cloud floating in the sky. And then I started thinking, imagining and creating.
I thought of her and imagined our next exchange of words.
Me : I don't know if you know but I would like you to know that I really like you
She : Go on (smiles)
Me : And I also don't know if you like me but I would really like to know
She : I like you
Me : So..So..does that mean..
She : Ya
Me : Wo-ho (dances like a crazy drunk person)
I then skipped a few years and thought of myself in a courtroom.
"Your Honour, I am a citizen of this country and it pains me to see the state of affairs. We work day in and day out and give a third of our income in taxes - that's 4 months of endless effort. And what do we get in return? Large newspaper advertisements that glorify the dead? Over the years the central and state governments have spent Rs xx crores in advertisements that promoted either the governments performance or former leaders birth/death anniversaries. That amount could have gone to feed xx children suffering from malnutrition, towards the education of xx students or towards the healthcare of xx senior citizens. But that's not where the money went. My Lord, these advertisements did not promote or spread awareness about any scheme - they were blatant narcissistic attempts of self-promotion. And I beg you today, as an aam aadmi to put an end to this. I ask of you to expedite this case. It's been over 5 years since this PIL was first filed and in all this time we have lost more and more of the tax payers money - not only to these advertisements but to the numerous scams that have plagued this country. I approach you today My Lord, to put an end to this mess. I beg you Your Honour, please."
My mind then wandered to my parents 50th Anniversary and the elaborate arrangements I would do to recreate their marriage. The champagnes that everyone will get with the invitation card. The golden hues that will mix with the red of a typical Indian wedding. The happiness of it all. How I would finally give my parents the dream wedding they could not have. A toast to their love.
I then thought of the small cafe that I always wanted to open. How cozy yet spacious it would be - the perfect blend of home and heart.
Moved on to the wonderful levels of success I will reach. The businesses I will setup, the companies I will own and the innovations I would bring to the table. How the world would look up to me - fame, wealth and admiration; how I would have it all.
And then like all thinking persons, I asked myself - for what? To what end? Will I be happy? Will it fill me? Would I have fulfilled my purpose? Or worse - my expectations?
And that's where my theory failed. It wasn't that we do not like quiet time - I did not like quiet time. Because I didn't have answers to these questions. I didn't know if my dreams, my thoughts and my ideas were worth anything.
And while endless sitcoms and good friends and late night drunk conversations would say, that it is okay to not know once in a while - it's a damn scary feeling. A feeling of free fall; a feeling of defeat - a feeling of limbo.
And I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't see myself escaping and succumbing to little screens and mindless jibber jabber.
So I decided to take the ultimate escape.
I know I could have stepped up, tried harder or did something else, but I just could not.
I am sorry.